I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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