It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
