Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
