Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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