I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
