I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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