We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
