i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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