Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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