I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
