She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
