I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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