i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
