i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
