I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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