I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
