gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
