I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
