Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Randomize
