I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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