so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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