god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
