You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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