After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
