somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I love you. Go after that dick
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
