Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
