You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
