This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
