Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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