Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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