My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
