That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
