Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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