i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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