Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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