I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
