i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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