Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
is wine microwaveable?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
