If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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