We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
