Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
