Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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