im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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