I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
