so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
