I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
