I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
