seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
