you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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