I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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