She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
