So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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