I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
