fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
